Lived Experience Forum

[D1ng0]

I'm really struggling, and I don't know what to do. I really need support.

TW: Suicidal thoughts.

Content/trigger warning

Since reading the May 17th post about voluntary assisted dying, I can't get it out of my head. The logic of the post keeps coming back to me when I'm lying in bed at night. I was keeping the suicidal thoughts at bay, focussing on the reasons I do want to live even if things are difficult right now, but the logic about things being so hopeless that death is the ideal solution... I can't stop my brain focussing on that. My thought patterns can often be obsessive and this is the latest fixation. It's worse when I feel severely depressed and anxious. I wish I'd never read the post. I wish I'd been able to avoid it. I wish I hadn't absorbed the logic about total hopelessness. What I really want is to be comfortable. To be in less pain. To experience peace. I don't want to die. But since reading the pro-dying post, talking about the best method of dying for mentally ill people, my brain has latched on hard. I want to have hope. I want to feel better. But I'm so tired. These thoughts really scare me because of the history of suicide in my family. The logic in the post really scared me. I'm not comfortable calling mental health phone lines because my experience with them has been so bad. But I feel like I need to talk about this somewhere. I really need this forum to feel safe again. Because I have nobody.

If you've had suicidal thoughts, how do you combat them? How do you find hope? I thought I knew how to find hope. I was doing well. But now my brain won't shut up about the solution suggested in the VAD post. How do you make looping thoughts back off?

[MayaBird07]

Hi @D1ng0 

I know what you mean. It's terrible that we think we have to die in order to obtain that feeling of peace and comfort. I guess that is why so many of us turn to drugs and alcohol.

You said yourself you don't want to die, which is great, so recognising that is a start. I'm sure you know these thoughts, while consuming, are temporary. I know my suicide ideation seems to be bad in times of high stress, and worse when I am in pain. I am sorry to hear that things are difficult for you and you are feeling alone. 

I wish I had some great tips and tricks to share, but all I can say is these feelings will pass and as my psychologist told me, our minds lie to us. I hope you are ok right now and safe.

I'll be here on the forum for a couple of hours if you need to reach out. It is great you have posted. You are not alone. 

[D1ng0]

Thanks @MayaBird07 for supporting me.

I am also working really, really hard to remain sober. I've been sober from alcohol for over 2 years. So you're totally right re: drugs and alcohol. It's very difficult at the moment. I hate that my brain keeps wanting these quick solutions.

I'm not okay right now. I don't know how to feel better. But I'm safe, I think. I don't actually want to do something so awful, and I've held on this long. So I'll just keep holding on. But it's so hard.

TW: Suicide.

Content/trigger warning

I keep thinking of my family members who committed suicide. Clearly, they stopped being able to hold on. I'm scared that maybe I won't be able to hold on eventually, like them. That's why the pro-dying post was so scary. I feel like this kind of mental illness is just in my bloodline. There's a sense of inevitability. I wish I'd never seen the damn post, because it made things sound so hopeless, and even more inevitable. I wish I'd never been exposed to the logic that dying is a good way to respond to mental illness. I'm scared that someone will comment on my post with that type of logic, saying I should die the same way. I'm struggling to feel safe here.

I'm really sad because I'm not getting to enjoy the body that I've worked really hard to obtain. I'm FTM and I've finished with all of the surgeries and social stuff. But because of chronic pain and other things, I'm stuck in this horrible emotional place. It doesn't feel fair.

[bliffitygibbet]

It sounds like you're in a really tough place right now, and you've been through a lot. Having family die by suicide and going through all the difficult work to transition are both massive challenges.

It also means you're a survivor, even if you don't feel like one right now. Reading your words, I hear so much will to keep going, even if life feels intolerable right now. 

Please know that you're not alone, and you will not always feel this way. I know just how it feels in the moment (I've been there, too) but if you keep breathing your way through, you will get to the other side of this.

[MayaBird07]

Good to read you don't want to do something awful and congrats on 2 years sober. I can only imagine the discipline you would have to be under at this time, so good on you. Be bloody proud of yourself for that. 

I am glad you are safe but again don't hesitate to reach out at any time. 

It sucks that there is no quick solution. I've been doing lots of therapy lately and the best technique I have learned to try to stop the thoughts is say 'STOP' in my head and imagine a big stop sign. (I have even painted a picture of a stop sign for my bedroom). I tell myself my brain is lying to me and then keep busy or watch something stupid online. But I know you have pain to deal with on top of it, so easier said than done in this instance I am sure. 

I took care of my father for a couple of years who has Stage IV cancer and chronic pain. I hated how helpless I felt. It would severely affect his mental health and he would wonder if tolerating the pain was worth it. I know you are in a lot of pain right now, I wish I had some words to make that better, but dad made it through and he is doing really well. We started small, sitting outside in the sunshine for a little while, walking down to the end of the road and back. They may seem like small insignificant things, but they helped Dad make huge strides in his recovery. 

Again, Im still here if you want to chat. What are your plans over the weekend?

[MayaBird07]

Ill be checking back into the forum later on today, so reach out if you need. 

I really hope you are ok and hope to hear from you later. 

🙂 

[SmilingGecko]

Hello @D1ng0 ❤️ Sorry to hear stuff is getting you down mate. I felt so much sadness waking up this morning. I think despite things coming to pass in my own life I knew it was a full moon yesterday which can be very triggering for peoples emotions generally. The full moon has a way of bringing that all to a head. Just know the lunation can really impact people and make folk feel under the pump. We also have had mars conjunct the north node this week - lots of volatility and instability on the ether. People just have not been coping. People are buckling under the pressure and May has been a rotten month astrologically. I try in my own way to find peace within myself but it has been hard going. I hope you will be allright. I have a sense you are under enormous pressure and just need some warmth and comfort in your life and a friend who understands you to just sit with. I know you are not well but i did think of you the other day. Was meaning to touch base to see where you were at and yet here we are again talking on SANE. I'm sending you my love @D1ng0 Please take good care of yourself and give yourself permission to work through your process. Lots of love S.G 🦎

[lavenderhaze]

Hi @D1ng0,

Firstly, I apologise that something on here has caused you distress. Conversations around mental health sometimes inevitably end up being triggering, and I agree with you; suicide is not a solution in my eyes either. But I guess the idea with that post is to let people have an open and honest discussion about something that is contentious and hush-hush.

I can imagine that it would lead to feeling hopeless, but when I read your posts I see a lot of hope in them. Hope to carry on and hope for a better life. I can understand that the post raised concerns for you but if it's something that doesn't align with your ideology and values and you can recognise that, that's amazing. That is what you need. A voice in your head that says, "No, I don't want to do that; I want to keep living." 

[D1ng0]

@bliffitygibbet Thanks for being supportive. I really appreciate it. If you're on the other side of this mindset, I'm genuinely glad for you. Thanks for the hope.

[bliffitygibbet]

I wouldn't say I am on the other side just yet; parts of some days feel downright intolerable. But I'm better at recognising that feeling for what it is: temporary and worth surviving. 

I am glad you're here - it means you've found support of at least one kind, and that the world can keep benefitting from the unique contribution you make to it 🙂