How do you deal with social anxiety which occurs after socialising?

[D1ng0]

Hey everyone, I hope you're doing okay. I hope those who took a break over the Easter period are well-rested, especially the mods, peer supporters, community leaders, etc. Cheers for your hard work and support.

TW: My experiences of social anxiety and unwelcome/obsessive thoughts.

Content/trigger warning

For a long while now, I've been dealing with unwelcome/obsessive thoughts after social interactions, mainly when hanging out with friends. It's gotten worse as I've been more isolated and am seeing people less often (due to nerve pain and mental illness). When I recently saw a friend, we had a good time hanging out, and they gave absolutely zero indication that they were unhappy with me. I was totally fine while we were together. Afterwards though, when I was alone, my brain kept telling me, "you need to send them a message apologising". It's completely irrational, as there's no problem to apologise for, but the impulse occurs every time I interact with my friends... And this feeling makes me want to interact with my friends less, which I know will only worsen my mental health. I see people so infrequently as it is.

The feeling is strongest when either of my two closest friends ask about how I'm doing, and I answer honestly. I always feel like I'm dumping my problems on them, despite the fact that they're asking because they care, and I always listen to their struggles/problems as well, because I care about them too. I know socialising is good for me, and I need to do it more, but I feel so much safer just being on my own... which is a slippery slope that ultimately harms me. But it's so hard for me to maintain even two close friendships. Between depression, anxiety, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, bulimia nervosa, et cetera, I feel completely overwhelmed by the process of socialising. My thoughts go around in circles and fixate on the idea that I've done something wrong while socialising.

If you have personally experienced social anxiety after seeing people (especially people who care about you), how have you dealt with it?

If you feel an irrational impulse to apologise for non-existent problems, how do you overcome those thoughts?

I feel like my brain retroactively inserts conflict into completely friendly, calm experiences. Walking on non-existent eggshells is exhausting.

Solidarity is welcome, even if you have no advice. Thank you in advance.

[Snowie]

Hi @D1ng0 

I don't think we have talked before so it's nice to meet you.

I so get the withdrawing from people/friends. I find myself isolating more and more so I don't have to deal with others. I have so much fear that they will reject me, I will say something wrong, I will dump on them that I have pushed away anyone that I was close too.

I also think a lot of it has to do with rejection. If I don't let people close to me then I possibly can't be rejected by them and therefore cannot be hurt by them.

It does sound like your anxiety after seeing people is exhausting for you. That you have so many questions that cannot be answered. 

I wish that I had the answers for you that you want. 

I haven't spoken to my psych about social anxiety after seeing people but I have spoken to her about the feelings I get of people judging me. She asked me 'what evidence do I have that these worries are true?' Did I say or do anything wrong.

I did realise that I hadn't done anything to warrant my feelings/thoughts. 

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I don't think it is something that you can overcome straight away. I think it is a work in progress. I do however feel that the only way you can deal with these thoughts is to put yourself in those situations. Is there anyway you can make a list of questions you can ask yourself afterwards? Do you have supports that can help you with developing these questions? If not, perhaps google can help or we can try and make up some together. I'm sure we can get some other members to help or even some mods to help too.

I'm not sure if I have helped or have just given you more questions to stew over.

Please know that we are here to support you.

[lavenderhaze]

Hey @D1ng0 ,

Firstly, thank you for sharing your story. 

I can absolutely relate to what you're going through. For years, I struggled with similar feelings of anxiety and self-doubt after social interactions. It's like your mind becomes a battlefield of irrational thoughts, constantly second-guessing every interaction and searching for nonexistent conflicts. 

One thing that has helped me is practising mindfulness. When intrusive thoughts start creeping in, I try to ground myself in the present moment. I focus on my breath, notice the sensations in my body, and remind myself that these thoughts are just that—thoughts. They're not reality, and they don't define my worth or the quality of my relationships.

It's also important to challenge those negative beliefs. When your brain tells you you've done something wrong, ask yourself for evidence to support that claim. As you said, you'll find no factual basis for those thoughts. I sometimes use an app called Clarity for this. It helps me with reframing negative thoughts.

Another strategy is to set boundaries with yourself. Taking breaks from socialising when you need them is okay, but challenge yourself to reach out to your friends—even if it's just a quick text or phone call—when you're feeling up to it. Remember, socialising doesn't have to be all or nothing. It's okay to take things at your own pace.

Lastly, consider seeking support from a therapist or counsellor who specialises in anxiety and obsessive thoughts. Talking to a professional can provide you with additional coping strategies and support tailored to your specific needs.

Above all, be gentle with yourself and remember to prioritise self-care.

[D1ng0]

Hello @Snowie, thank you for the support! I remember that you also expressed solidarity with my sleeping struggles 😊

What you’ve written really resonates with me, especially the part about fearing rejection, and how that makes me seek safety. It’s great that you’ve spoken to your psych about fearing judgement, and it’s really reassuring to read what her logic was in response to that problem. I also tell myself that I haven’t done/said anything wrong, and I remind myself that nobody actually said that they were upset because of me. Sometimes it works, but a lot of the time the fear wins out. I’m generally afraid that I have upset people, even though I never meant to. Socialising gets harder and harder, the less I do it... which makes me want to socialise less... It's a circular impact which feeds itself... 😅

I definitely agree that overcoming this anxiety will take a lot of time, and I know that positive mental health is a lifelong journey.

Creating a list of questions is really interesting, I hadn’t thought of doing that. At the moment I just try to prevent the thoughts gaining a foothold.

Thank you again for the support!

[D1ng0]

Hey @lavenderhaze, thanks to you as well. The way you describe second-guessing everything is very accurate to how I experience this anxiety. It really does feel like my brain is doing this to me, rather than me being in control of these thoughts.

Thank you for the recommendation of mindfulness, it is a good one, although I'm struggling to achieve mindfulness since the event which caused my nerve pain (and ensuing fatigue, depression, suicidal ideation, et cetera). Since the event, mindfulness been recommended by physiotherapists, psychologists, nurses, doctors... and I'm still trying different things to experience that positive sense of mindfulness. No luck yet. I find it really difficult to ground myself in my body when my body is so broken. My body doesn't feel like a safe or reassuring place.

Thank you for the recommendation of Clarity.

I'm definitely trying to achieve a balance, when it comes to socialising. It feels incredibly difficult, given all of the things (physical and mental) which make socialising so difficult for me. I have recently pushed myself to socialise, and it was mostly good, though I ended up in severe pain. The really bad part didn't come until afterwards, when this post-socialising anxiety kicked in. 

I am seeing a clinical psychologist, a dietician who specialises in eating disorder treatment, and a pain physiotherapist. I've had to urgently prioritise diagnoses and assessments with the professionals I'm seeing, so I haven't had time to explore the less significant post-socialising anxiety. And this new round of professional support comes after being misdiagnosed and mistreated by other practitioners, so it's a "starting all over again" feeling. A lot of progress yet to come.

I am definitely trying to be gentle with myself... it is a constant struggle 😅 My whole life revolves around trying to care for myself tbh, it takes so much effort.
Thank you again for the support 😊

[Jasper_123]

Hi @D1ng0 , thank you for sharing your struggles I hope you've gotten some helpful advice! I've for sure come out of social interactions with lots of guilt thinking that I've spoken too much or taken the space up. Mine doesn't come from guilt about talking but instead guilt about not managing myself well in social situations. 

I like what @Snowie said, I've also been taught in therapy and life to stop assuming that somebody is upset. If somebodies upset with you it's their responsibility to bring it up not yours to constantly check in. Your friends are checking on you because they care and they want to know how you've been going even if it's good or bad!! 

I can see that you are aware that isolating yourself is the wrong decision and I'm proud of you for recognising that!

[D1ng0]

Hey @Jasper_123, thank you for the support! I also feel guilt for not managing myself well in social situations, so cheers for the empathy. It really sucks when positive social experiences have needless negative repercussions. Feels unfair 🙁

Thank you for the advice re: people having the responsibility to communicate their own emotions. I will try to keep that in mind.

I definitely am aware that isolating myself is harmful. (At the same time, I often don't have much of a choice, due to my physical limitations.) I am trying to socialise as often as I can.

Thank you for the kind words!

[Jasper_123]

Hi again @D1ng0 
Are there avenues for connection that you can have while still at home? For example online gaming,DnD on zoom, calling people? I think Covid really trained people in how to include people with disabilities (it should have always been this way but I'm grateful to covid in this one aspect) 

[D1ng0]

Hey @Jasper_123, thanks again for the support. I have tried alternative approaches, it's been a bit of a mixed bag. I have to minimise screen time outside of work due to headaches and eye strain. Some phone calls have been good and helpful, but mostly they've been anxiety-inducing... or rage-inducing, when speaking to certain family members. I'm still trying things though, a practitioner has recently said that they will send through some info about accessible events, so I'm hoping at least one might be beneficial.

[chibam]

Hi, @D1ng0 .

My problems with socializing were differant, because they were due to the relationships being toxic; but I can relate to that sense of frustration and worry about how social situations played out. Unfortunately, I never learned to play the game well, so I can't offer any advice on that front.

Reading through your post... I can't help but wonder if your getting the sort of connection you really need from the relationships you describe, or if your just going through the motions because it's what's expected of you?