Lived Experience Forum

[Staceace111]

TW: Self-Harm/Intimacy

So about a month ago now, right when i had my mental breakdown

Content/trigger warning

i found out my husband had been sexting via social media with other woman, sending nudes of himself and has a chronic addiction to porn (doesn't bother me as long as we're being intimate regular (a min of once a fortnight) which we often had long dry spells some months apart), as do i, partly due to the lack of intamcy in our marriage although we both have a porn addiction (my acknolagment more so than his) We have been trying to sort stuff out since early April and it's been an emotional roller-coaster ride and has really triggered my depression,paranoia, anxiety and RSD (adhd related rejection sensitivity dysphoria). We spoke a little and my husband said he wants us to work on things, we agreed to see a councillor (my idea) but hubby has wanted me to talk but ends up gaslighting twisting things towards my prescription drug abuse and suicidal tendency. It's clear we can't talk without it ending up a dispute usually where I end up feeling worse and like a push over or like his online cheating is my doing or that my leval of upset and feelings towards it are invalid and exadurated 

TW: Intimacy

So here I am having extreme mood swings, ruminating constantly, wonder where we went wrong? Where I went wrong?

Content/trigger warning

My heart doesn't want to leave,  I love this man always have, but due to our lack of intamcy being a long standing issue in which we had  spoke about over a year ago, a constant rejection to my advances and lack of him initiating to then finding out about the online affairs/him going to a strip club without friends and/or me, for me to now know why we lack in the sexual department and again speak with him but more so around what I had found out and share that to me it's cheating  and to promise not to do it again and for him to add apps and do it again, he lasted a week so we had more than a slight talk about it we dnm'd and put my foot down about it.. I just don't know what to do or what to feel... I'm trying  to get on with things and just push it all aside in the meantime while we try find a cheap marriage councillor and he has given me access to his phone and I can also see all his google/Chrome history/apps etc, his deleted pretty much all social media and apps of a sexual nature etc and as I have his email and password linked to my phone i check whenever i want aswell as having his okay to pick up his phone but still I'm constantly checking, paranoid on and off suicidal,  totally in love the next minute and then checked out emotionally the next. Im angry, confused, the big s, hurt, feeling rejected, feeling ugly, inloved, unwanted, unattractive, neieve,  stupid and alot of other feelings, the thoughts are ruminating in my head. My heart wants to stay and gosh i love him so bloody much that this has been like a stab to my heart. My brain says youre a bloody idiot if you believe he will change, his hasnt even taken full accountabilityand seems to lack the remorse/respose expectedfrom someone who acknowlages their wrong doing and is truely sorry and wants to make up for it.. im just setting myself up to be hurt again..

my feelings on staying and working on us or us seperating fluctuates so I would love to here from someone who has been through somthing similar Situation? If you decided to work on youre marrige what did you guys do? What helped? Did you continue to live together and sleep in the same bed? Do be intamte in the time or is it best not too? Did you also get seprate counciling too? If you separated, what's involved in it, what things would I need to consider? How did it impact children and finances etc? Also if anyone has decided to separate  and leave the family home while working on youre marriage how did you do it? What will I need to consider? How did you look after you're mental health?

Its hard not to go back into old habits of self harm and rumination brings intrusive thoughts and suicidal idelation..

my lifes falling apart and im a broken lost mess

Q and A 

How to bounce back during a mental breakdown? 

[tyme]

Hey @Staceace111 ,

Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you are doing what you can to improve things, but there is minimal effort on his part - is that fair to say?

I can see you have spoken to him in the past, and you haven't really been given a valid response.

I can see you are really trying to better things. 

Sorry, I do not have much to share in terms of what works or doesn't work, but I'm hoping the community will be able to share their experiences.

Please know you are not alone.

[Staceace111]

Yeah I really need some experiance convo around this stuff but don't know who to talk to around this sorta stuff

[BossBaby]

Hi @Staceace111 , I'm sorry but I really needed a good nights sleep before attempting to answer your post! 

I was impressed that he actually gave you access to his technology because this is absolutely bare minimum requirement for any hope of regaining trust. It seems to me that, without trying to change him, what he really wants is to be in an open relationship. But is he prepared for the “perpetual, emotional work” involved. I think regardless of whether you open your relationship to the degree of porn or polyamory, "In order to process things properly and to rationally articulate your feelings, even though you're no longer having to 'master your lust' in order to be in a relationship, there's this incredible self-mastery that has to happen in order to be in good form. It's an ongoing process." Until you’re able to discuss this maturely with him with the help of an appropriate marriage counsellor, so far he is exercising all the adult freedom without enough of the adult responsibility. And without enough consistently exercised physical and emotional safety boundaries you are suffering for it! If that amount of compromise still isn’t enough to keep conversations with him from escalating into conflict, maybe try How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words. I’ve actually only read the first half but it provides a really important foundation for relationships where communication is too volatile. The premise is connection over communication but it also explains the shame and fear that derails conversations between men and women. If nothing else, I suspect that treating him like the free-range adult he sounds destined to become will create less resistance in order to gain greater clarity on the health and future of the relationship. Bon courage!