Looking for support/clarity/to vent

[Hokeypokey]

Hey guys

I suck at forums, and talking to stranger, so if my post feels quaint then that’s probably why

I’m having tonight something I like to call a “druggo night”. Druggo nights are a term I use to describe a phenomena where I get fed up of looking after myself, and just choose to indulge my shittier side. (I’ve also heard this called Goblin Mode)

This is like a valid part of my self-care. Because people don’t realise every hour of my day revolves around my illness. Monitoring every coffee I drink. Watching everything I eat. Stressing over every word I send to someone

Anyway… I’ve been reaching out to my friends for support, but it didn’t really get anywhere. They don’t have the lived experience to understand… I guess I just feel like I’m losing my humanity being a person with chronic mental health issues

there’s times I want to give up, because all of the work I’ve put in has seemed to amount to nothing. I’m unemployed, I live with my parents, i have physical and mental health issues, and it just feels like I’m fighting an uphill battle

anyway. I didn’t really know what to write. I’m just trying to convey what’s bothering me, (ie a lack of feeling human). Hopefully someone understands this as well 

[justanotherguy]

@Hokeypokey 

Sorry to hear you are feeling less than human, I'm sure that's not a great feeling at all. You mentioned you have worked on things in the past, can you focus on some of those? If your parents are supportive is there any way you can talk to them?

[Ihidaya]

@Hokeypokey

I hear you! It can be and feel very isolating to journey with something that impacts the day to day life many take for granted.

I love the term 'goblin mode' 😂 I've never heard this before but have secretly/shamefully been a fan of the concept for sure! Thank you for 'normalising' this for me and removing a layer of that shame.

I'm also acutely aware I share often the feeling of 'uphill battle' or 'pushing shit up hill' as I like to say, and I try to remember that when I have some forward momentum going on, this feeling feels less real. 

How beautiful and maybe a little ironic that I feel seen in identifying with your feelings of isolation 🍃 I hope you feel some reciprocity in being seen in this way too 💜

P. S. I'm very new here, can someone please tell me if I'm doing the @thing right to reply? Cheers 

[MissLil]

I always think the hardest part is trying to work out what to say in the start of a forum, hey? Hi? Welcome? which every one comes at the time but most importantly i feel like we are all grateful each one of us are here. 

I am defintely a big fan on the goblin mode and feel it is sometimes inportant to allow it to happen because without accepting that part we can nearly truely move forward from it. 

i can relate to friends around you not being able to understand and relate, are your parents close with you? sometimes expressing what we are going through to our family helps them be more aware of the little extra help we need and help making it less heavy and alone on the uphill battle. Do you have a psychologist you see or a medical profession? 

i understand having a mental illness is easy to feel like it consumes your entire identity but you are so much more and are deserving of a life that is filled with a little less control and a little more living with desire from your soul. 

i really hope the wonderful humans on this forum and myself are able to aid in you feeling a little less alone 

[Hokeypokey]

 @justanotherguy @misslil

Hey guys, so I did have an appointment with my psychiatrist this morning. Which was a great chance for me to talk about what’s been going on for me. Last night was just a slight relapse, and I’m recovering today

my parents aren’t the greatest source of support. No matter how much I explain my illness, they don’t seem to understand. I’ve always lived in relative isolation with what I experience

But I’ve only been able to check the replies this morning, and it has picked up my mood a bit. I’m certain we all live with similar lived experiences, so I’m hoping to utilise this forum for some support over the next few months 

I avoided a “spiral” so that’s been good. Sometimes these experiences cause me to spiral over a period of up to a few months, but I feel like I caught myself this time

[Hokeypokey]

Your @ seemed to work fine

i liked this message, which seemed less worried and more relatable

I learnt the term goblin mode in a bipolar Discord. And as they said, sometimes a part of self-care is giving up on self-care and just doing a few crappy things that make you feel better. Like a small reprieve from the constant stress of self-care

i feel like many people with complex illness feel solidarity (and less alone) when around people with similar issues. It’s why it can sometimes feel so humanising to just vent about life with a friend who “gets it”

I feel exhausted from the uphill battle. Like my brain and body feels fatigued, and I don’t know what to do… but a philosophy I’ve been following is “chop wood; carry water”. It’s like a radical Taoist form of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

sometimes all I can do is focus on survival. Which means turning up to my appointments. Keeping up with my TAFE study. Reading a few books. And trying to eat some actual food every now and then (I’ve only eaten some grapes and tea at 4PM, because executive dysfunction)

Anyway… hope this adds some more ideas to the conversation. I’ve just got to keep chopping the wood and fetching the water

[justanotherguy]

Hi @Hokeypokey

Don't just limit yourself to a few months, if you need support I'm sure there will be plenty of listening ears on here. As stated, it's good to discuss things with like-minded people, the mental health journey can be a long one.