Sibling issues

[mishymash29]

I let my brother, his wife, and their baby move in temporarily because they had nowhere else to go (and because I live alone with chronic medical conditions) and I wanted to be able to spend time with my nephew. They agreed to help keep the house the way I like it (in consideration of my careful need to manage each day and manage my conditions).  

Living together has been a challenge to manage but it has been great having my nephew around. Unfortunately though as he gets older, he is getting in to more and I am struggling physically to keep up. I am also not used to being around a married couple, particularly when there is conflict. 

Recently, I was excluded from planned family time, which was upsetting and led to me breaking down so to speak and not handling things the greatest. When I tried to explain how I felt, initially I felt dismissed. Things escalated quite severely and it became clear that there are many grievances both ways. 

In the heat of the moment, I told them not to come back and then let him know that I didn't mean it and that it was in the heat of the moment (I reacted to some comments that I found quite hurtful and which I later found out were taken out of context/not quite accurate). We spoke a couple of days after this and he mentioned not being comfortable here. I did comment that they could look for somewhere else but this didn't go down too well. I also mentioned that I won't be changing my expectations for my home, but that we needed to both work on better communication and to work through all the issues.  

I’m torn between not wanting to leave them without options (and wanting family and my nephew around) and needing to protect my own wellbeing. I worry that if they come back, the same issues will repeat. I also want to preserve the relationship and still be part of my nephew’s life, but I don’t think living together long-term is realistic (it was never discussed as a permanent option anyway). Perhaps I am just over reacting?

[MJG017]

Hi @mishymash29 welcome to the forum.

That sounds like a really difficult position to be in.  Helping them like you have when they didn't have any other option was a very generous thing to do for your brother and his wife.  As I've had to learn myself though, it is possible to care for people you love, but also recognise that a situation is harming our own wellbeing.  It's easy to feel like we're being cruel or selfish, but in reality we're just enforcing our boundaries... which isn't easy for a lot of us.  Saying something "isn't working" isn't the same as rejection... it's trying to make a situation more suitable for everyone involved.  We can't control how people respond, by we can control how we protect our own wellbeing. 

It sounds like you've been more than reasonable, and are just trying to make the situation workable for everyone.  It is your home and you deserve safety, respect, and stability there.  You've already noticed patterns of behaviour so I feel like it's another indicator that your boundaries and kindness aren't being fully respected.  Its completely understandable that you would want to preserve the relationship and still be a part of your nephew's life, but that doesn't mean living together is the right choice or the only option.  Being clear about non-negotiables and protecting your wellbeing doesn't mean you don't care.

To me, you've done so much and tried so hard, but it's effecting your mental health now and that isn't fair to you in any way.  Maybe putting a time limit on their stay... enough that they have time to find an alternative might help.  Framing any discussion on how you feel and what you need, rather than what you want him to do, reduces the sense of blame or judgement and places the burden back on him to choose whether he wants to accept how you feel or ignore it.  Hopefully your brother will be more reasonable and respectful of how you've helped them.  

[mishymash29]

Thank you so much for the response @MJG017 .

It has been a very rough week with being torn between the emotions of potentially losing family connections (particularly with the children involved) and meeting my own Health and Wellbeing needs (I crashed for a few days and wasn't really coping with it all).

The stress of Christmas got to everyone and me being injured on top of everything didn't help. 

There was a whole lot more to the story from both sides that wasn't being discussed/addressed. 

We have since had further discussions and we are working through everything. I got to spend New Years with them too (not in my home) and all the kids. I have been able to work through some things and even change my perspective on some of it (looking at some things also from his side).

I do though at some point need to have a discussion with them around timelines. It was agreed that it was not a permanent arrangement, but we never really established timelines. 

Thanks again for your response.